I always thought that I am good with relationships, but after several failed relationships, there’s no point denying it. I may be good at sex but I suck at relationships. If only lust is enough to describe love.

I always try not to worry about the future. The future I can see with the way I am leading my life right now is lonely. Loneliness breeds loneliness. I am prone to depression. Thankfully, I am not suicidal. I had suicidal thought, though, when I was younger.

Now I don’t know where to go. I don’t even know what to do. Everyday is just the same. I want to escape this cycle of boredom. I want someone… no, not want… I need someone to love me. I’m tired of being alone. I don’t want to be alone anymore. It’s so lonely.

Yet, still I am not ready to break my heart. I am afraid of getting hurt and yet I don’t want to be lonely.

It’s very painful to carry a broken heart. Yet, it is very lonely being alone.

It’s hard pretending to be tough, and it is much more harder to pretend that everything is alright. I am not though, I know at least that much; much more do I know that everything is not alright.

I’m bored and tired. *Sigh… I’m bored of this kind of lifestyle I am living and I am tired of my life. I feel so hopeless, helpless, and useless. I should really get married already. *ahahaha… or at least enter into a serious relationship. But then relationship entails responsibilities; and responsibilities could weigh me down. I hate being weigh down but perhaps that weigh of responsibility can be my sinker and make my life more interesting. Now I’m sprouting gibberish. I can sense my logical mind malfunctioning. As in the joke books: “Relationship/Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those who are outside wants to go in. Those who are inside are trying to escape.” It’s not like I have not considered marriage. I have thought about it a lot of times (not to mention I almost got married twice). There are alot of good candidates, there is even a certain someone that I got my eyes on. But I prefer to live this lonely and boring life. More than my fear of hurting others is my fear of getting hurt. I’m staying at my safety zone, my lonely and boring safety zone.

I know that I am still young, but I am not getting any younger. I should really start planning my future.

The only thing I can believe right now is my existence. Not my status, not my beliefs, not even my emotions. It is only my existence that is real. Yet this is more than enough for me to survive. holding on to my existence, no matter what beliefs , or emotions I may have, I will always be me. There would always be on me. There would only be me.

When time is past, the present will continue to move towards a free future would possibly hold for me. I don’t know if it will be as glorious as my treasured memories or as dark as my nightmares that I try to forget. All I know is that the future is a possibility. A possibility and opportunity. Perhaps it will still contain traces of my past but it does not matter. Even if the future would make a dark cycle of my past, I will make sure that the realizations won’t be the same. I will make sure that I won’t have any regrets this time. I will make sure that a new past would be carved in my life’s experience. Every moment of this present is the critical pivot of the future. Not only this present becomes a hinge of the past and the future =; but this present is the real existing me. The me who is standing tall trying to overcome all odds. I am me, no one can change that. I am me and I command my future.

These two know me so much better than I do know myself. They are my satellites that keep a third person view of me and tell me when I am being stupid. They never fail to give me an honest third person’s view of what I am doing and what I am; yet they also give realistic person’s view advices.

Now, I feel much better. Not only because of these two friends but also because I got in contact with Esther. She is doing fine and I am happy for just knowing that simple fact. Though our status still have not changed, at least we are still in good terms with each other.

Another thing that consoled mw is the return of Sakura. She suddenly herself showed up herself when I was in gloom. Now that I think about it, whenever I am down, Sakura usually shows up. Perhaps she possess some sort of super powers that can detect if I am depressed. Sakura is one of those girls that I just can’t understand. Or perhaps I understand her too much and it is just that I don’t believe a girl like her actually exists. Her predictability is just way too perfect that I always end up doubting her motives. She had betrayed me once, many years before but I’ve already forgiven her about it. The only mistake she have done recently was lying to Gang and it was quite a sensitive matter. Since Gang knows that I trust Sakura, Gang immediately believed her. But knowing Gang’s personality, if I told her it was a lie, she would just chuck it out and forget about it.

At least for now,  I feel much better. I’m not as depressed as I was a few days ago. I realize that music easily changes my mood. For that reason, no Josh Groban, Iyaz, or any love songs for now. I’m only listening to Praise and Worship songs, and other religious songs. I’m glad I forgot to delete them a few days ago.

I’m moving on. Though the pain and longing is still there, I have started moving. I have started to find myself. With the help of my friends, I am beginning to rediscover who I was and who I am.

I’ve totally gotten used to her presence that I’ve identified myself with her. Now that she is gone, it is no wonder that I am lost; I just need to find myself again. I am making it sounds so simple yet it hurts. It still really does hurts. Yet no tears would come out for I am pretending to be strong. I’m pretending to be tough. I’ve only got me to console myself. I’ve only got myself to blame.

As always, It is not the breaking up that is the most painful part. Instead, it is the trying to live again that hurts most. Knowing that everything is over and that I am really all alone is not only painful but also scary.

Where she is now, I don’t know. She does not visit the site anymore and she had changed her number. It wasn’t just a break-up, it was a goodbye.

I miss her… but it is too late

I wasn’t so shocked when I learned that one of my ex had a baby. Knowing her personality, it would be something to be expected. however, I was shocked when I learned that she got married. It was not the ‘what-ifs’ that played into my mind, but instead, it was the feeling of being left behind.

Perhaps, I am really immature. Now that Ester is out of my grasp, I just hope that she will find what she is looking for. It seems to me that I was not good enough for her. I even took the big leap of leaving the seminary for her. Now it makes me look foolish; foolish and stupid.She had always wanted for more but I don’t know what ‘more’ can I give especially after she flatly rejected my proposal to get married earlier this year. Perhaps my dad was right. There would be girls who would just be after my status as a seminarian. Once I lose the status, I also lose the girl.

Now I am lost and I don’t know what to do. After all, I planned my future with her in mind. Now that she is gone, I’m totally clueless what to do next. All I know is that I need to survive each passing day and that is the only reason why I have not sunk into depression. Maybe I’ll find another, maybe not; but still all I know is that I would have to survive for another day.